HIS KIDS: BECOMING A W.O.W. STEPMOTHER - by Julie Donner Andersen
A stepparent`s role is not that of a biological parent, but of a real parent
nonetheless. WOWs (Wives Of Widowers) should not be quick to replace the late wife
as a mother, but to become to the child the closest thing to a mother he or she
has got. The WOW who loves her husband accepts that his children are a part of him,
which leads her to want to love them, too. Caring for another person`s child(ren)
is a calling whose role not everyone can play, but I believe that if the desire,
respect, and love exist, the WOW will learn to love the widower`s children, and
they her. Knowing intimately the sorrow and pain these children have endued in the
past, the WOW wants only the best things in life for her stepchildren`s present
and future, and desires an active role in helping them to grow and mature into emotionally
healthy, productive adults.
Lay The Groundwork BEFORE The Wedding
Being a WOW stepmother has its own unique challenges because death has touched
the widower`s kids` lives in a profound way, and often changes the family dynamics
even before the WOW enters the picture.
The best way to tackle potential step parenting problems is before the family
is joined in remarriage, with good family communication, or family counseling with
an accredited family counselor or minister. Without addressing potential problems
up front, the WOW may be unfairly placed in a situation which she is ill-equipped
to handle. Again, researching and understanding grief, especially children`s grief
issues, will prove to be vital in your new role as a stepparent.
In foregoing premarital family counseling, WOWs will be faced with young children
who have experienced the death of a parent and may view their surviving parent`s
remarriage as a betrayal of their beloved mother. They may do their best to make
the WOW`s transition into the family fold a difficult one. Also, a WOW may feel
as if she is playing an emotional tug- of-war between her husband and her stepchildren.
She feels placed in the middle, and finds it hard to accept that her role is undefined
and often unwelcome.
The Biggest WOW Stepmom Challenge
Most WOWs tell me that if they had to pinpoint one thing they`ve had to put up
with as a stepmother, it would be the extent to which their husbands have overprotected
his children. More often than not, a widower feels that he must become for his children
their "emotional everything" since the cornerstone of their family unit - their
mother - was lost. If the children have not had grief counseling or other counseling
of any kind, they are prone to fits and starts when it comes to dealing with their
emotional maturity, sense of well-being, and security.
Many times, mostly out of necessity, widowers with minor children have had to
assume the role of both father and mother after the late wife passes away. However,
this can sometimes create problems when the WOW enters their lives. A widower feels
sorry for the children`s loss of their mother. Although kind-hearted and well-meaning,
his overprotective nature, and the resulting damage to the children`s emotional
growth, can sometimes give rise to inappropriate behaviors by his children, including
the inability to express themselves properly, a confused sense of "family" and their
role in it, or an inability to deal with the opposite sex in appropriate ways.
My WOW friend "Susie" explains her 17year old stepdaughter`s behavior this way:
"Her way of showing anger is through passive aggression and manipulation. I really
feel that, had she been given an appropriate outlet for her anger, grief and sadness,
she would be a healthier person, emotionally. He overly pitied her and didn`t want
her to feel sad, so grief was never discussed in their home before I came along.
My husband smothered her with his overprotection, and as a result, she did not have
the opportunity to get in touch with her feelings."
My Best Friend - Dad!
The widower and his daughter sometimes experience a change in their former "father/daughter"
relationship because of their mutual loss of the emotional "rock" of their lives.
They sometimes turn to each other and assume the role that is missing in the other`s
life. In other words, the daughter may take on the role of the wife and/or mother,
while the widower takes on the role of the mother and/or best friend of his daughter.
Susie goes on to discuss her husband and his daughter:
"Since his wife died 6 years ago, my husband has treated his daughter as though
she were an adult, so she came to see herself as a peer to her dad to the point
where she even took on the role of parent to her younger brother. This was inappropriate
of him to do. His daughter lost her mom, and then she sort of lost her Dad, too,
since he stopped being a father figure and started being a pal."
When the WOW enters their lives, the children`s repressed and unresolved emotions
are often outwardly exhibited in the form of jealousy, competitiveness, or feeling
that they must protect their father from any further pain as well. They view the
WOW as a threat, more than a helpmate, to her husband. And they fear that the WOW
will monopolize their father`s love and time, leaving them nothing at a time when
they are most confused about their father`s moving on with his life and remarrying.
Another WOW friend, "Janine", still struggles with the fallout of her 16 year
old stepdaughter`s grief in relation to the child`s father:
"To this day, my stepdaughter has a tendency to want too much "alone time" with
her father. She doesn`t want anyone else around when she is talking to him, just
like the old days when he devoted all his attention to her. There is definitely
a possessive element to her relationship with him. Sure, I want them to have a close
relationship, and I am not jealous of the time they spend together. It`s just that
I look at them from an "outsider`s" point of view. From my vantage point, I feel
that my stepdaughter`s hold on her father is not healthy, even though it is understandable
because of their mutual grief. And yet, how does a WOW express her concerns regarding
this issue without sounding possessive herself?!"
What a horrible term, "emotional incest" - but that`s precisely what it is. The
daughter begins to see herself as a partner in the household, while the father may
unintentionally encourage it because of his own emotional needs, his fear, and his
Daddy`s Little Girl
Susie agrees that emotional incest is a problem in her life as well, and adds
another aspect - that of worrying about her stepdaughter`s relationship with other
men in the girl`s life:
"I also fear that my stepdaughter will have trouble in her future relationships
with men, and I believe that this is also a direct result of her mother`s death
and her dad`s subsequent handling of all things emotional and behavioral. She has
grown so accustomed to living in a home with 2 males who pretty much put up with
anything she did, that she is already having trouble getting along with the opposite
sex. In the past year, she has had three relationships that were more than platonic.
Every one of them ended almost before they had begun, and she has blamed the males
every time. They are either not attentive enough, not loving enough?always somehow
lacking. I feel that she has unrealistic expectations with regard to men, like she
expects men to treat her the way her dad has for years. And I also think there is
some confusion with her feeling that she is being disloyal to her dad by going out
with guys. I say this because my husband has treated his daughter more like a pseudo-partner
than a daughter before I came along."
The Teenaged WOW Stepson
Sons of widowers are often not as conflicted as a whole, but still have issues
unique to their gender depending on their age at the time of loss. Everyone has
watched an old western movie and cringed when the bereaved widow turns to her small
son and says, "Well, looks like you`re the man of the house now!", imposing an unnecessary
and life-altering burden on the child. But even without it being said out loud,
a widow or widower`s son, especially a teen or preteen, will sometimes assume that
role without being asked. In doing so, the child not only becomes an instant adult,
but is forced to forge ahead without dealing with his own grief appropriately. He
regards his grieving father compassionately but unrealistically as an emotional
cripple, and feels it necessary to be the stronger male in the house in order to
hold it all together. Sometimes a widower subconsciously allows this, as he feels
his burden ease somewhat because of his son`s take-charge attitude. This, in turn,
breeds a son who now feels such a strong commitment and responsibility to his father,
brothers and/or sisters that he sacrifices his youth for them. When the WOW enters
this family dynamic, she often finds it difficult to deal with a new stepson who
is still a child, but who suffers from major control issues.
My WOW friend "Gail" speaks of her relationship with her stepson this way:
"My stepson was 15 years old when his father and I met. Looking at him, I would
have correctly guessed his age. But speaking to him, and watching him interact with
his family and with other adults, I would have thought he was 30 years old! He has
no buddies to speak of, since he finds them boring and immature. Small wonder! This
boy has been forced to be a man since he was 12 years old, since his mother`s death!
He feels out of place in the world. Now that he has graduated from high school,
he has the grades to go to any ivy league university of his choosing, but he doesn`t
want to go! He feels that his family needs him, and that our home is where he belongs."
"When his father and I had our first date, my now-stepson actually told us what
time to be home! I looked to his father to correct him, but my now- husband just
said, `OK, son. Will do`. Then, after we had been going out for a few weeks, I noticed
that my husband`s son actually took care of all the household expenses and paid
the bills, and often cooked dinner. He even screened his sister`s dates! This is
not appropriate behavior for a child, and his father has just gone along with him.
My husband has felt that allowing my stepson to assume an adult role in the house
has taught him responsibility, so he has encouraged it. But I can see the damage
this has done to the boy."
Mommy`s Little Boy Lost
Little boys under the age of 12 have their own issues as well. Unfortunately,
they are raised in a society that scorns a man`s tears, so while a little boy may
grieve the loss of his "mommy", he does so privately, so as not to incur the snickers
and taunts of his peers should he outwardly show his emotions. This burying of grief
emotions is unhealthy, especially if the widower who cannot handle the sadness of
his children rules that any discussion of grief or of their dead mother will not
be tolerated in the home.
When a WOW marries a widower with such a son, she represents to the boy a sure
sign that his mother is indeed gone forever, thus ending his dream of being reunited
with her. Also, he may feel confused, thinking that perhaps Daddy didn`t really
love Mommy if he was so eager to replace her. At that point, his grief, no matter
how long his mother has been gone, may increase. The WOW may then be dealing with
a boy who is resentful of her presence, and act out in naughty behavior. He may
truly want to love and accept the WOW, but thinks doing so betrays his beloved mother
and may also put him at risk of losing another "mother" as well.
Sometimes, a WOW`s stepson of this age presents an opposite behavior and becomes
possessive of the WOW. He has yearned for a mother substitute and all the wonderful
"warm and fuzzy" feelings he remembers from his mother. In his desperation to be
loved, especially by a new mother, he manipulates her time and smothers her with
his affections and attention. He feels a need to possess her, thinking that his
love can shield her from death. And often, he is confused about his father`s love
of her, viewing it as a competition for her.
Dad`s Emotional Roller Coaster
Another WOW issue regarding step parenting is often about the widower himself.
While he may love his new wife dearly, he carries with him an enormous amount of
guilt, more often than not imposed upon him by the children themselves or perhaps
by the children`s mother`s family: he struggles with everyone`s lack of approval
of his new wife and with trying to please everyone in a household where no one is
in agreement. When it comes to the WOW, his heart breaks when his precious little
ones cry, "But she`s NOT my mother!", or "Why do we need HER? We were just fine
before SHE came along!", or "You can`t make me love her!". He deals with his own
grief issues while the guilt feeds his idea of selfishness for deciding to love
again since it is apparently hurting his children so. He also wonders if he has
indeed betrayed his late wife by loving again. And the guilt goes on.
Perhaps he also misses the loving family unit that once was since his new household
may be in such a negative upheaval. He may find it hard to relinquish the overprotective
role he is so used to playing to "side" with his children, relegating the WOW to
a lower rung on the family ladder than that of the family dog. He may even believe
that his loyalties lie with his "real family" - his children - and that any perceived
interference as the WOW takes her place in the family as a disciplinarian or loving
mother figure may anger him or confuse him even further.
Communication = Hope!
While not every step parenting situation in WOWdom will be as negative as these
WOW`s, it is best to be prepared for the worst case scenario, do your research,
find a qualified family therapist, and communicate with frank, open discussions
with the adults and children in the family as soon as and often as possible.
It helps immensely if the WOW and her husband create a united front for the children,
but the road to such skillful parenting must be precipitated by intense communication
between the WOW and her husband, especially before the wedding. It is then that
the WOW`s role as a stepmother will begin to be defined, and then implemented, in
unison with her husband.
(Copyright 2002, Julie Andersen)
*Articles/excerpts maybe reprinted only with express permission of author. Reprinting
without express permission of author constitutes a felony.
Nutrition as an Attention Deficit Disorder Alternative Treatment: Help is
as Close as the Kitchen - By Jeannine Virtue
The quality of food we eat (or lack thereof) has a profound affect on Attention
Deficit Disorder and ADHD. For many people, nutrition alone can effectively work
as an ADHD alternative treatment.
A growing body of research points to nutritional deficiencies - especially with
essential fatty acids and amino acids - as a contributing factor of Attention Deficit
Disorder and learning deficiencies.
Put down the Ritalin bottle for one minute to consider these Attention Deficit
Disorder ADHD nutrition research findings;
_ A George Washington University School of Medicine study found that hyperactive
children who ate a meal high in protein did equally well, and sometimes better,
in school than non-hyperactive kids.
_ An Oxford University (England) study evaluated the effects of fatty acid supplementation
in average intelligence children with significant reading and writing disabilities.
The ADHD symptoms in children receiving essential fatty acids significantly improved
over the children in the control group receiving a placebo.
_ Researchers first tied Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD with lower essential
fatty acid in 1981. Studies examining essential fatty acid blood levels in children
with behavioral problems in 1983 confirmed this Attention Deficit Disorder nutrition
_ Researchers further documented the essential fatty acid deficiency tie to Attention
Deficit Disorder in a 1987 study. Then, a 1995 study comparing essential fatty acid
levels in ADHD boys against a control group of boys without ADHD found significantly
lower levels of Omega-3 fatty acids.
_ In 1996 Purdue University researchers have found that boys with low blood levels
of Omega-3 fatty acids have a greater frequency of Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD.
Attention Deficit Disorder is the most common behavioral disorder in children.
Not all Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD children are nutritionally deficient in
essential fatty acids, statistics and studies show that a significant number of
ADHD children are.
Physicians predominately use stimulant drugs such as Ritalin for Attention Deficit
Disorder but studies show that Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD children whose treatment
program includes only stimulant medication remain at a high risk for vandalism,
petty crime, frequency of alcoholic intoxication, and possession of marijuana. Additionally,
ADHD medications can cause potentially harmful side effects and does not treat the
cause the Attention Deficit Disorder.
With Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD, nutrition and food is one the first aspect
of treatment to consider, as an ADHD alternative treatment or used in conjunction
with traditional ADHD stimulant drug treatment.
Fatty acids are used to make brain and nerve tissue in the body and are crucial
for proper growth, mental function, the immune system and brain development. The
body cannot produce the two fatty acids families, Omega-3 and Omega-6, on its own
and therefore must receive these key Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD nutrition ingredients
through diet and supplementation.
Although the typical Western diet is high in the Omega-6 family of fatty acids
(found in corn, sunflower, canola and safflower oil, margarine, vegetable oil and
shortening), most Americans young and old are highly deficient in Omega-3.
Learning specialists now believe many childhood behavior and learning problems
are associated with Omega-3 deficiencies. This deficiency has a greater impact on
males because their requirements for essential fatty acids are, in general, much
ADHD adults and parents of ADHD children should include food high in Omega-3
fatty acids daily. That said, many children simply will not eat the Omega-3 rich
salmon, mackerel and sardines.
Enter flax seed and flax oil - ?food of the gods? when it comes to Omega-3 fatty
Flax seed and flax oil are the richest plant source of Omega-3 fatty acids and
offers Attention Deficit Disorder nutrition vital to support healthy childhood behavioral
and IQ development. One to two tablespoons of flax oil should be part of a every
Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD nutrition food action plan.
In addition to the positive affects on brain functioning, flax oil also works
to prevent heart disease and certain types of cancer. Flax oil helps soften skin,
balance energy, burn fat, stimulate the metabolism, strengthen the immune system,
manage diabetes, help prevent autoimmune disease and inflammatory disorders. Flax
oil also helps alleviate PMS and some menopause symptoms.
Here are some easy ways to add flax oil into the daily diet;
_ Mix 1 tablespoon of flax oil in flavored yogurt.
_ 1 tablespoon of flax oil in fruit smoothies is virtually undetectable.
_ Mix 1 tablespoon of flax oil with one tablespoon maple syrup or honey as a
sweetener instead of granulated sugar.
_ Use 1-2 tablespoons of flax oil when making tuna salad or egg salad while proportionably
decreasing the amount of Miracle Whip or mayonnaise used.
_ Flax Butter: Melt one stick organic butter and mix with 4 ounces flax oil when
cooled to room temperature. Refrigerate until the flax butter solidifies and use
in place of margarine.
_ Omega-3 ?Ice Cream?: Mix 2 cups yogurt with 1 tablespoon flax oil and fresh
or frozen fruit. Serve when frozen.
Most studies conducted on the affects of essential fatty acids found that at
least 10 weeks of supplementation is needed to adequately raised fatty acid levels
in brain cells. Follow a diet high in Omega-3 fatty acids for at least 10 weeks,
and preferably 12 weeks, before judging the effectiveness of nutrition on Attention
Deficit Disorder and ADHD symptoms.
Important points about flax oil:
_ Flax oil is highly perishable and should be kept refrigerated at all time.
_ Heat destroys the health-giving flax oil properties. Use flax oil only with
cold foods, preferably cold proteins.
_ When buying flax oil, use only high quality, cold-pressed flax oil. The date
pressed and a freshness date of four months or less from the pressed date should
be on the label. If not, don?t buy it!
_ Do not use flax seed oil beyond its expiration date since the oil will turn
Essential fatty acids are not the only element needed when addressing Attention
Deficit Disorder ADHD nutrition. Amino acids, from which protein is made, are an
integral element since amino acids and essential fatty acids are both needed to
work in the body. Therefore, adding quality protein is a key in Attention Deficit
Attention Deficit and hyperactive people can greatly reduce the level of unfocused
or misdirected energy simply by starting the day with a protein based breakfast.
A solid protein breakfast can increase concentration, reduce restlessness and increase
mental and physical calm.
Instead of starting the day with sugared cereals, pancakes covered in syrup,
sweet rolls, doughnuts or danishes, try these brain-boosting breakfast ideas;
_ Scrambled eggs, toast and fruit.
_ Whole wheat toast with peanut butter.
_ Fruit and yogurt smoothie with flax oil.
_ Protein shake.
_ Bacon and eggs with toast and milk.
_ Egg and sausage patty on English muffin.
_ Yogurt mixed with a tablespoon of flax oil.
Bio: Jeannine Virtue is a freelance
journalist and mother of an Attention Deficit son. To find more information about
Attention Deficit Disorder and natural alternatives, go to the Attention Deficit
Disorder Help Center at http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com
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