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Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You`re Staying Married Only For Your Children - By Karl Augustine

 

All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.

As a parent, you should know your children better than anyone use your best judgment with your children during considering divorce. This "divorce and children" article is for parents who are certain that they would get a divorce if they didn`t have children and want to decide what to think about regarding the effects a divorce would have on their children.

Children of divorced parents can actually live wonderful lives as long as the parents use proper judgment and create the right types of interactions between themselves and with each other.

This article on this web page does not suggest that divorce is the correct course of action for you and it in no way should be taken as a form of counseling to you. This article is merely to spark you to think logically and then make your own decision about divorce and your children.

As previously stated, every child is different and subsequently, every child responds to divorce in a different way.

If you think there`s a definitive answer about how divorce affects children, you are mistaken. There`s been hundreds of books written about this subject and a plethora of studies done regarding divorce and children, all citing differing opinions and using different statistical constraints and inputs. But, statistics can only go so far if you know your children better than anyone else, you will know best how they`ll be affected by a divorce.

How divorce affects children and what you should do if you`re staying married solely because you have children is complicated issue.

Here`s some things you may want to consider if you`re a parent who is staying married just because you have children:

Children and divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are, in fact, only staying married just because you have children.

Often times people use the children as an excuse not to get a divorce because they aren`t really sure that they want a divorce or have some other fear regarding divorce. Those fears can be present due to finance, self-confidence, living arrangements, or other personal issues.

Before you really take the next steps in deciding whether or not to get a divorce because of your children, rank your reasons for divorce and make sure that you`re really certain you`d get a divorce if you didn`t have children.

Children and divorce consideration 2: Make sure `guilt` isn`t the real reason that you aren`t getting a divorce.

The `guilt` referenced above is the guilt brought on by thinking that your divorce will hurt your children. In and of itself, this feeling of guilt is a selfish one if you haven`t really examined carefully if a divorce will have an adverse effect on your children. If you aren`t getting divorced because of guilt in this regard, but you still have an unhappy marriage that is affecting your children, then you aren`t really staying married for them, you`re staying married for you because you feel guilty this is selfish.

Children and divorce consideration 3: Once you`ve clearly defined that you are in fact, not getting a divorce solely because you have children, examine why you think divorce will adversely affect your children.

Remember, divorce can have a negative effect on children initially, but that doesn`t necessarily mean that a divorce will be a negative influence on your children forever.

Decide whether or not your children have the resiliency, the intelligence, the emotional health, and the support they`d need to mitigate the adverse effects that a divorce would have on them. Will they be happy after the initial shock of the divorce is worked through?

Children and divorce consideration 4: Once you`ve really defined what you believe to be negative effects on your children due to divorce, think about what your children`s life will be like in the immediate and distant future if you do actually go through with the divorce.

Ask yourself, "Can I create and maintain a healthy environment for my children if I do get a divorce?"

One thing that is a critical factor in this decision is the feasibility of you and your spouse getting a divorce amicably. If you and your spouse can go through a divorce amicably, and you both can agree to always put your children`s welfare above your own, you will be one step ahead.

Again, make sure you are certain a divorce is necessary to create the right type of environment for your children. Assure that there is absolutely no way you can rekindle your marriage.

Usually, divorce represents the first real trauma of a child`s life. Keep this in mind when your making your divorce decision.

Divorce is a serious step and nothing should be done until your`re certain that divorce is the best course of action. Getting a divorce without making sure that divorce is the right thing is selfish on your part and is the wrong thing to do to your children after all, they deserve your best effort!

One thing should remain constant that you and your spouse will always be there for your children, no matter what.


Karl Augustine

Karl Augustine "A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"

An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.

Deciding on Divorce Children and Divorce

Face Reading and Adoptions - By Naomi Tickle and Emily Bouchard

 

Making the decision to adopt is a huge undertaking. The whole focus is to bring a child into your family to love as your own. Problem is, the child you adopt has a set of birth parents out there who are linked with the child from the moment of conception.

Much has been discussed about the role birth parents play in the lives of adopted children. Conventional wisdom has swung from once believing in complete denial of the birth family to open adoptions with even mandated visits with birth family. The prevailing mood of the times seems to dictate what is best in the best interest of the child.

We want to offer a fresh perspective that looks at the contribution of the birth family to the life of the child in a new way. Introducing the art and science of Face Reading.

What is Face Reading?

In the 1930?s, Los Angeles judge Edward Jones observed the behavioral patterns of the people who appeared before him in court. He became so fascinated by his observations that he dropped his judicial work and researched the field using works that were published by Lavater and other notable authors on the subject.

Using established scientific principles, Jones looked at 200 different facial features and later narrowed the number down to 68. His research had 92% accuracy for personality profiling. Thanks to Judge Jones, the ?new? physiognomy became the modern day scientific approach to reading faces.

In addition to the practical uses of face reading, further studies were conducted in San Quentin Prison during the 1940?s. Warden Clinton Duffy stated at the time, ?Many of our men here have been helped immeasurably by your staff. It is my hope that in the future we can broaden the scope of this great work.? George H. Cantrell noted, ?As a psychologist, having spent many years in vocational counseling, we now accomplish in hours better results than we would in days before practicing the principles taught by Jones and his staff.?

Jones? contribution to the understanding of human nature, as it is revealed in the face, took physiognomy to a new level of acceptance, credibility, understanding and application. He applied the new physiognomy for jury selection, personal development, improving relationships, understanding children, sales and career assessments.

To many, reading faces may sound outlandish. But there is real scientific evidence to support the accuracy of these observations. One cannot ignore confirmation that is staring us in the face (no pun intended). Besides, we all read faces anyway and make snap judgments based on how people look. The face is full of information. Why pretend it doesn?t exist? Are we afraid of what will be seen?

Face reading is just another tool that will help us to better understand ourselves and to be more conscious of our communications and interaction with others. It helps us to understand others so that we can learn to listen rather than react or make hasty judgment.

Does Face Reading Apply to Other Cultures?

Yes, the major differences would be the flair of the nostrils, protruding lips and wide-set eyes. According to optometrists the spacing between the eyes of people with Asian and African heritage tends to be ten percent wider than in the Western world. These differences are taken into account when determining the significance of any feature. You will find many people with Asian backgrounds have wide-set eyes, which indicates they are very tolerant.

What does Face Reading have to do with children and their birth parents? With the discovery of DNA and genetics, science has established that children inherit their traits from their birth parents. While nurturing can have a tremendous influence on how traits manifest themselves evertime, the basic blueprint for who we are in the world comes on the day of conception.

Face reading meticulously examines the features of a

person`s face and connects those physical characteristics with personality traits. Since adopted children do not inherit their genes from their legal parents, the chances that the physical traits of these new parents are different from those of the birth parents are pretty high, especially if the child adopted is from a different ethnic or racial background.

So what can Face Reading do for adopted children and their parents?

Face Reading opens a window of discovery that allows the child and the parents to learn about the birth parents from a neutral place. There is no right or wrong way to have your eyes placed in your head; it is not better or worse to have a sloping forehead or a more squared forehead; there is no value judgement placed on the distance between your nose and your chin.

Taking measurements of the face of the child and the adoptive parents offers the chance to get to know and understand each other in a whole new light. The child experiences him or herself as being "seen" and "understood", and also feels a sense of relief in understanding his or her adoptive parents and how to

best communicate and engage with each other. And everyone gets to feel a sense of connection, a sense of knowing, with the birth family. A child can look at the high arching curve of his eyebrows and know that his birth mother or father was dramatic and loved to be "on-stage". A child can learn that her nose turning down means that her birth father or mother was rather skeptical.

Once the physical traits are linked with personality and birth parents, then what?

Your family is then armed with a powerful set of tools for encouraging innate strengths and redirecting inherent challenges that are coded in the child`s genes (and in the parents` genes as well!).

Imagine the relief in your family when you learn that by simply approaching little Johnny with a light touch and a 5 minute warning that he will be have to switch from one task to another you will be able to avoid major power-struggles that have been plaguing your household.

Imagine teen-age Sarah`s new found empowerment when she discovers the reason why she has a hard time focusing and getting overwhelmed and distracted. She can then take steps to change her environment on her own and complete assignments more efficiently and effectively.

Conclusion

And most of all, visualize the sense of peace and well-being that comes from being seen and understood for the first time in a way that allows you all to feel connected and aware of the birth family`s presence in a loving and non-threatening way.

An adopted child deserves to feel a part of their present family while also feeling a warm sense of connection with his or her birth family. Face Reading offers the gift of embracing both sets of parents in a way that is valuable and meaningful to everyone involved.

Authors

We, Emily Bouchard and Naomi Tickle have a goal. The goal is to share this knowledge with foster and adoptive parents so that they can understand, support, and encourage their children.

We offer lectures and workshops to parents and agencies for adopted and foster children. These workshops are open to all who are interested in seeking a better understanding of themselves, family, friends, clients, and coworkers.



The Authors

Emily Bouchard, MSSW, is the founder of HeartPath Family Coaching and workshops. She has over eighteen years of experience in working with children and families dealing with significant challenges, including: foster care, adoption, emotional disturbance, and physical illness. She has trained extensively in family therapy and has a Masters Degree in Social Work and a B.A. in Child Development.

Naomi Tickle is a world-renown face reading expert and certified coach. She has been using face reading for the past ten years. Her clients include people in career transition, children with physical disabilities and couples experiencing relationship challenges. Her lectures, workshops and teleclasses are offered world- wide.


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