The Sexual Abuse of Children - By J. Bailey Molineux
Although her stepfather had been sexually molesting her for years, Jenny never
told anyone about it because she was afraid what would happen if she did. When she
finally did disclose his abuse of her, her mother reacted with angry shock and told
her never to say such awful things about her stepfather again.
After that, the only way Jenny could stop the abuse was by running away.
Whether or not it is occurring more often or being reported more often, the incidence
of reported sexual abuse of children has increased in America. Studies have shown
that one out of four women, and one out of ten men, state they were sexually abused
The stereotypical image of the sexual offender as a stranger lurking in the dark
to attack his victim is erroneous. Most sexually abused children have been molested
by a member of their own family or someone known to the family. Only 15 to 20 percent
of child molesters are unknown to their victims.
Nor is force commonly used in child molestation. Since the offender is often
a close relative, the victim usually has a trusting relationship with him. What
is so potentially damaging about child sexual abuse is that relationship of trust
is deliberately violated by the offender.
It is difficult to detect signs of sexual abuse in a child or adolescent. She
may be depressed, anxious, using drugs or alcohol, self mutilating or having times
of dissociation in which she "checks out" and doesn`t remember what she did. But
these behaviors can be caused by other problems as well.
Any sexualized behavior - sexual acting out, talking about sex at too young an
age - are signs, however, that there is a good chance the child or adolescent is
Most victims - over 90 percent according to research - are telling the truth
when they reveal what has been happening to them. Usually the victim has no reason
to lie about so serious a matter while the alleged offender has every reason to
Because of the realistic fears of disclosure - the shame, criminal prosecution
and possible break-up of the family - sexual abuse can go on for years before it
is discovered. The pressures on the victim not to disclose are enormous. Often,
she has been repeatedly warned by the offender not to tell and she is afraid of
what might happen to him and her family if she does.
If the disclosure of the sexual abuse is handled calmly and properly and if treatment
is provided, the abuse will not necessarily permanently traumatize a victim. But
without proper handling and treatment, the effects to the victim can include life-long
depression, guilt, self-concept problems, unresolved anger, sexual dysfunctions
or hypersexuality and difficulty trusting other people.
Whenever a youth, like Jenny, says she is being sexually victimized, the best
strategy is to believe her. She must also be reassured that she has done the right
thing by disclosing and that she is in no way responsible for the abuse. Her chances
of recovering from the molestation are much greater if she is supported in these
If you suspect that sexual abuse is occurring, you must report it to your local
Child Protective Services. The abuse must be stopped as soon as possible, and the
only way this can be guaranteed is by notifying the proper authorities. Regardless
of what happens to the offender, the protection and safety of the child must be
the first priority.
About the Author: J. Bailey Molineux,
a psychologist with Adult and Child Counseling, has incorporated many of his articles
in a book, Loving Isn`t Easy, Isbn 1587410419, sold through bookstores everywhere
or available directly from http://selfhelpbooks.com.
Copyright 2002, J. Bailey Molineux and Selfhelpbooks.com, all rights reserved. This
article may be reprinted but must include authors copyright and website hyperlinks.
Create a Legacy - The Parent Plan - By Derek Randel and Gail Randel M.D.
Imagine the following three scenarios?
Ron and Judy love their 26-year-old son Jim. Unfortunately, whenever Jim
calls his parents they cringe. Will he ask for more money asks Judy? Ron
replies, ?What do you mean if, the question is how much this time??
Linda visits her mother. Linda would like her mother?s help in cooking a
dinner and baking a dessert. Linda?s mother just does not understand how
Linda could have two left hands in the kitchen. Thinking to herself, ?I
always cooked and baked, how could she not have learned these skills??
My daughter is very overweight and she never exercises says Tom. Tom
continued, ?She is now 22 years-old and even though she never exercised, now
that she is getting older she must begin. I never had to exercise because I
always worked and didn?t have time.? Tom does seem a bit overweight himself.
All three of these sets of parents have a similar problem. Their grown
children have not developed certain life skills. There is a way to minimize
this with your children. Become proactive and develop ?A PARENT PLAN.? A
parent plan is a family blue print. Before getting too far into the parent
plan here are a number of important questions to think about.
Where would you like to see your children when they turn 25 years old?
Employed or Unemployed?
Living at home with you or out on his or her own?
Married, single or divorced?
Paying his own debts or having you pay them?
Being responsible for his mistakes or dependent upon others?
Another important question to ask is: what legacy would you like to instill
in your children?
Scary questions aren?t they? As mentioned a parent plan is a blue print for
your family. You want to create the positive environment where your
children can learn your desired values by your desired actions. It is that
easy, remember nobody plans to fail they just failed to plan.
We want to teach our children how to function in the ever changing real
world and this means planning. This might include:
? How to be independent
? How to be a decision maker
? How to be a motivated worker
? How to handle finances
? How to live a healthy life style
? How to handle time management issues
? How to be organized
? How to live a balanced life
? How to be healthy
? How to develop a good self-concept
? How to be resilient
? How to communicate effectively
? How to develop a mature character and integrity
? How to set and respect boundaries
Here are a few suggestions in order to achieve some of the above list.
? Model the behavior you would like your children to inherit
? Providing choices develops ones decision making ability
? Have your children write the monthly checks. It is helpful for them to
know how to write a check and to know how much the utilities cost
? Help budget their homework time, putting in rest breaks every so often
? Serve healthy meals
? Verbalize your thought process. Let your children hear how you solve
a problem. Ask them for their insight. For example, time management: Work
backwards when you have to be at a designated place. If you have to arrive
somewhere at 9:00 and it is a 30 minute ride, a stop at the drug store will
take 10 minutes, and 15 minutes for you to get ready. What time should you
start getting ready?
? Explain why you use certain stores. Why do you patronize your bank,
this dry cleaner, or that grocery store? For example, your answers might
say that you like the service you receive at this bank or the lack of
service you received elsewhere caused you to change banks.
? Set your limits and boundaries.
? Encourage your children to plan a meal or cook a dessert, each week.
Going back to our three sets of parents lets see if they could have done
anything different. Ron and Judy may have never talked about finances with
Jim when he was younger. Jim may have never had control over his allowance
or his own money. In many homes finances are not discussed. Therefore, Jim
may have never been exposed to his parent?s bills.
Even though Linda?s mother could cook and bake we wondered if she ever took
the time to teach Linda how to cook, or was she critical of Linda every time
Linda helped out in the kitchen. Do not expect all traits to be picked up
by observations. We need to take the time to teach.
Tom had an excuse for not exercising, even though it was a poor one. He
never modeled the desired behavior he desired for his daughter. Where did he
think she would learn to live a healthy life style including exercise?
Too conclude a parent plan is very important when it comes to preparing your
child for the real world. Now have some fun and answer the following: Place
yourself 20-25 years into the future. What could you have or should you
have passed along to your children before it is too late?
What will you put in your parent plan? Take these and write some goals you
want to achieve.
What do you want to pass along to your children?
What would you like your children to say about your parenting when they are
25 years old?
If you have questions about your parent plan feel free to give us a call.
Derek and Gail Randel have customized
programs for corporations, schools, and parent groups for putting the fun back into
parenting so you can enjoy your children. They also have a free parenting newsletter
through their web site, and a parent consulting service. The Randels are the authors
of The Parent Manual and Bittersweet Moments. They can be reached at Parent Smart
from the Heart 1-866-89-SMART,
Children articles index
- Brains on Fire: The Multimodality of Gifted Thinkers - By Brock Eide
- laying Baby Computer Games ? The New Parent-Child Tradition? - By Emma
- Book Excerpt: Einstein Never Used Flash Cards - By Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph
- Putting Fun Into Parenting - By David Stoepker, Psy.D., & Erin Brown Con
- Preparing Your Child for a High-Tech Future - By Sue Sato
- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - Predominantly Inattentive
- Abandonment - By Sonya Green
- Explaining Suicide to Children - by Tracy Pierson
- Our Children`s Needs - by Robert Elias Najemy
- How to Develop Self-Esteem in Children - By J. Bailey Molineux, Ph.D.
- Helping Children Overcome Stress and Fear - By Debbie Milam
- Do you Shout at YOUR children? - By James Middleton
- Book Excerpt: Helping Children with Autism Learn - By Bryna Siegel,
- SPEED SPELLING: Another way to use speed reading skills for "schoolwork&q
- Children and Stress - By Laura Silva Quesada
- Boundaries- Why Are They Needed? - by Derek Randel & Gail Randel M.D.
- Juggling Home
- Explaining World tragedy to Children - By Chick Moorman and Thomas Ha
- Children and Pessimism - By Carol Tuttle
- Loving Yourself, Loving Your Children - By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
- Social Manners for Children - By Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach
- The Sexual Abuse of Children - By J. Bailey Molineux
- A Few Simple Truths About ADHD and Stimulant Drugs - By Steve Edelman1,
- DYSLEXICS and A.D.D. KIDS BECOME GIFTED SPEED READERS - by George Stanc
- Using Feng Shui for Better Behaved Children - By Kathryn Weber
- Book Excerpt: Helping Children with Autism Learn - By Bryna Siegel,
- Five Keys to Raising Nonviolent Children - By Tammy Cox, LMSW
- The Best Way to Reduce Stress: Start Young - By Zach Brull
- Your Child?s Self-Esteem is in The Cards - By Susan Howson
- Calming Tips for Hyperactive Children - By Jeannine Virtue
- What is ADHD? - By Jeannine Virtue
- Talking to Your Children About Sex - By Jan Andersen
- How Our Children Really Learn And Why They Need To Play More And Memo
- HOW DO WE PROTECT OUR CHILDREN FROM PREDATORS? - By Linda J Alexander,
- Teach Children Positive Self-Image Through Fitness - By Lynn Bode
- No Invitation Needed -- Part 3 of 3 Sacred Children Series - By Skye T
- Helping Our Children Feel Good About Themselves - By Dr.Barbara Becker Hol
- Unidentified Stepfamily Zones - Discoveries Made at a Stepfamily Confer
- Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When You`re Staying Married
- Six facts you should know to empower your teaching. - By Emmanuel
- Are You in an Abusive Situation? - by Colin Gabriel Hatcher & Randall
- The Divorce Revolution Has Failed - By J. Bailey Molineux
- Is Your Child Well-Mannered? - By Mary Jesse
- Jesus` Birthday -- Part 2 of 3 Sacred Children Series - By Skye T
- Empty Nesters: What Should You Do Once the Children Leave? - By Mary Guar
- We should celebrate the diversity of children and adults - By Robyn M
- How to Cope with Back to School Stress - By Debbie Mandel
- HIS KIDS: BECOMING A W.O.W. STEPMOTHER - by Julie Donner Andersen
- ADD / ADHD Children : Being Your Child`s Best Friend - By Kate Hufst